Hey there. I know we've talked about this a lot but I don't think I could ever really say enough about it, so I'll take this opportunity to give you a reminder. Plus, you always said you wanted brutal honesty, so here it is in spades.
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You mean a lot more than you think you do. For other people, you're a smart and fun person to be around, and you're always acting with good intention. That's all people need to know to immediately like you. And as for myself, you already know you've saved me from my demons time and time again.
If you ever need a testimony to how much of an impact you have, look at me. By all accounts, I should never have been able to be friends with someone as mysterious as you. You asked me a question before and I didn't have much of an answer, but I feel like I can better explain it now; Why do I think you're mysterious? Think of it this way (you can skip to the next set of bolded text if you feel like).
Here's me. I suffer from both anxiety and paranoia. I find it VERY hard to trust someone and am very defensive and cautious with who I like. I'm also an Alexithymiac. I don't feel the same way any other person does. My mind is wired to see things logically and harsh-but-truthfully. I've lost MANY close friends because of this.
Then, I meet you. To this day my knowledge of you consists of one photo several months ago that, if someone were to ask me to, I wouldn't be able to prove it's you. And over time, I find that more and more of the things I love, you are great at. Cooking. Coding. Gaming. (Don't tell me you're not, my ass still hurts from our Elsword/SDGO matches). Even the most casual skepticist would be ringing alarm bells after all that. So for me, that sends my head spinning.
My point is, despite all of my uncertainties, troubling thoughts and doubts, I find myself unable to NOT have faith in you. You always care. You always worry. Usually when I'm ill, but also when I'm upset. I do a very good job at hiding it, but eventually things will start to crack and you're always about when I need that support.
For the first time in my life I managed to show the world my true self. I was terrified that day. Physically shaking, almost nauseous. In any other scenario I wouldn't have even joked about showing that. But it was the support I got from my friends that pushed me to do it, and you're a part of that. Your excitement when your heard my plans, as well as the encouragement of others, was the only thing that pushed me to take that next step.
'I've spent so many' nights doubting myself and what I know, driven to the brink of tears between worry for you and fear of you, the voice in the back of my head screaming at me to not believe a word of it, retreat into your shell and be safe from these people telling you that you are things you are not, and things they are not. Don't give them that ability to crush you and everything you have worked for, don't let them into your shell.
I would NOT go through all that if you weren't a person worth that pain, the pain that made these last few weeks the best AND worst part of my life. You're one of the few reasons I can wake up in the morning. One of the few reasons I can be the person I am.
If you can smash straight through my paranoia and anxiety like that, you know you're doing something right. You helped change me for the better, and I'm always going to help try to change you for the better, too. If you don't think you're confident enough, I'll keep pushing you forward until you can feel that spring in your step.
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However, I'm not writing this to just tell you how you've helped me. I'm sure deep inside you know how much you've helped me, you're just too modest to take credit for it. There are things I don't ever want you to forget, either.
You will never, ever just disappear. That is one of my biggest fears in life; that I'll one day just be forgotten about. I'm slowly starting to learn that it won't happen. A few people look up to me almost as much as I look up to you. It won't happen.
That pain you feel, from your loneliness. It hurts not just you. It hurts me, and I'm not the one who is lonely. It hurts me to know that you hurt. I feel like I am failing you as a friend, every second you spend with nobody beside you, or near you, and I'm sat here unable to do anything about it as you live out your own personal hell. That pain makes me angry, and that anger is what is forcing me forward. And you're not the only lonely person. There are so many people, in many different situations from many different background with many different problems, all suffering silently and alone, and being unable to do anything about that makes me so mad I want to break things.
Instead, it's just going to be a part of what makes me who I am, determined to make sure nobody goes through it alone as much as I can help it. It doesn't matter how much you or anyone else doubt me on this, but I'm going to show you and everyone the brighter side of life, the side of life you all deserve.
Never forget that just because you can't see me, or hear me, or feel me, that I'm not there. I'll always be thinking about you, worrying about you, wanting to be there to help you. I know that's not enough to make that pain go away, but I hope it's enough to help you cope until I can see to it that you're no longer suffering, with my own hands.
And finally, though perhaps most importantly, is a saying I've taken to heart that I think you might appreciate knowing;
Blood might make you relatives, but it's bonds that make you family.
We might not have that same blood pumping through our veins, but you're family to me. I don't care if you grow to love me or hate me, I'm always going to see and treat you as a part of my family.
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As usual, sorry for writing so much, I just think about these things a lot more than I probably should. You already know this by now, but you're always welcome to message me, no matter what it's about, even if there's nothing you wanna talk about. I could hold a conversation about freakin' shampoo bottles for hours if you just want to hear a friendly voice.